20th Anniversary

I thought I should post an update, but I'm not sure what to say. One day I am elated that I only have myself and the girls to worry about, and the next I am so angry I could spit.

Saturday was our 20th Anniversary, not much of an anniversary. It was a horrible, sad day that broke my heart multiple times. I still cry thinking about it.

I am job hunting. I am trying to convince myself it's for me, but it's not...it's really because we can't make ends meet living separately. Ken has always said he would take care of us financially, but if he gets a part time job he won't be able to see the girls. Part of me says that's the price you pay for up and leaving, the other part says it's not fair for the girls. Either way I will walk into work and be sad every day because I have to be there because of this.

We saw a counselor on Tuesday...he's really good, but all I could think about was, "It's a dollar a minute, can't you talk faster?!!" I guess we can't not afford it right now. Ken did agree to try to work on things...so his heart has changed a little.

The girls are doing really well...we actually do stuff together with them. We just don't talk to each other about anything serious, so the girls think it's all good. We've gone for bike rides and bowling and as long as we only talk about bike rides and bowling everything is fine.

Part of me always wants him to suddenly be nice and apologetic, and the other part can't trust him at all because he's broken every promise. It's a frustrating stuck place to be...just waiting...I think I've said that before. Nothing like rounding out a year of waiting with a little more waiting...waiting for Ken to make decisions, waiting for the hurt to go away, waiting to see what happens.